Disappointed....Frustrated....Depressed....Confused....Tired

I'm so disappointed. I thought yesterday was the day for this baby to make it's appearance, but sadly, no. I had 2 hours of consistent contractions 3-4 minutes apart preceded by 14 hours of 6-10 minute contractions. I was woken up at 2am on Sunday morning with the start of contractions. I'm so so so tired....Is my body too tired to have this baby??? Justin says, "No", but I'm not so sure...Maybe I'm so tired that in trying to find answers to my questions I'm going crazy :) So, we went to the hospital and NOTHING. Contractions basically stopped....The nurse said I was barely dilated. I don't know what to do....I would really just like this baby to make up it's mind. Either give me contractions and show up, or no contractions and wait....

Pride says secrets are nobody's business

I have a secret. I am terrified that my boys are going to lose their love for God because their dad is not being the example of a godly man. How will they know how to be a men of God, if they don't have a living example? Don't all little boys want to be just like their daddies? What if they want to be so much like dad that they don't want to go to church anymore or don't want to learn their memory verses anymore or don't want to pray anymore? What do I do? How do I get it across to my husband that they need an example? What is going to need to happen in order for him to get the point? I'm so scared to trust God with my husband and my kids. It seems like it's too out of control. That I don't have any control. Honestly, how can I give God all that responsibility? I know that sounds retarded, but that's how I feel. I "know" He can handle it, but I don't know at the same time. My head knows, but my heart doesn't. I wasn't going to say anything about any of this, but then today's study in "Breaking Free" yelled out at me: Pride says secrets are nobody's business. And we need to get rid of all pride because God hates pride. In order to give glory to him, we need to humble ourselves and pride is the opposite of being humble.
God, help me trust my family to You...I'm scared to leave them in Your hands. Help me surrender.

Part of my truth

When I was 4 (one month before my 5th birthday), my dad died. He never saw me grow-up or drive a car. He never saw me graduate or ever got to walk me down the aisle. Never danced with me at my wedding or met my husband. He will never be a grandpa to my kids or see me be a mom. I have 1 or 2 clear memories of times with my dad. Things have been told to me, but I don't actually remember them happening. I think of all the things my kids do with their dad and I'm sad because I did those same things and have no recollection of them. What if he died? My kids would never remember the man that was their dad. They wouldn't remember the tickle fights and wrestling matches and games of chase and hide & seek. The things I've been told have all been things that I would have loved to see. He lead men's bible studies; he was involved in Cadet's (a christian version of Scouts for boys). I've been told he's a lot like my grandpa in his mannerisms and his humour. But, to be honest, I have no idea if what they are saying is true. How do I know if my truth is true?

Scared

So, I have to say that I'm a little bit scared. My friends are taking new steps in their lives....kids are going to kindergarten or preschool and I'm homeschooling and pregnant. We are going in different directions and I am scared that I will lose touch with them. I am scared that once my oldest is too old to go to MTO and their kids are in school, I will have no one to hang out with. I will be doing school in the morning, when they are free. And when I am free, they will be picking kids up from school and doing homework with them. I am already so proud of how homeschooling is going, but am I going to regret it? I want my kids to have the best possible education, I want them to have a christian education and that is just not possible where we live. I knew there would be sacrifices and I'm definitely not doing this for me. I honestly believe this is the best option for my family, for my kids. So what do I do? I guess I will have to make the time to make sure I make time with my friends and my kids' friends. I hope that I'm making the right choice in this. Scary, hard, sacrificial - but at the same time so rewarding seeing my son make progress minute by minute. But I am scared.

I'm done

It's amazing how good intentions can be blown way out of proportion and end up being the cause of major problems. I was trying to help and all I got was ridicule and being told it wasn't my place. I got mad and said some things I regret (which tends to happen from time to time) and I apologized for them and now we have gotten so off topic that apparently my apologies aren't good enough anymore. I can't exactly block this person out of my life, because it's my sister. I hate that we are fighting and I hate that I'm being blamed. I was honestly trying not to make this a big deal, but now it has come to such a head that we are only fighting about something that doesn't matter....Everytime I try to change the subject or apologize for something I've said or anything, it's always brought back. I've considered blocking her email and I've considered blocking her out of my life, but blood is thicker than water and we ARE sisters. I guess this has happened before, because we are both stubborn, but from the beginning I have told her that I don't want this to be a big deal, that I never wanted this to be a big deal. She keeps talking about it and keeps emailing me about it and it's getting really frustrating and I don't know what to do. I want to clear the air, but whenever I try to tell her where I'm at and what's going on, all I get is defensiveness and arguments. I just want to forget this whole thing happened and I want to go back to the way things were. I hate that I dread checking facebook, because she might have sent me another email and might be yelling at me or swearing at me again. I stress out about it, which isn't good because I'm pregnant. I wonder how I can fix things, but then again, everytime I try - it gets thrown back in my face....Not sure what to do...Just frustrated, tired and done with the whole thing.....I'm done.

Feeling Stuck

So, I'm not sure what to do in regards to my "best friend" situation....everyone is telling me that I don't deserve a friend like that and I know that I don't, but there is history....She wasn't always like this...She was always the one I told everything too and now I don't have that....I have Justin, but it's not the same....Sometimes you need a girlfriend to tell things too, things that my husband doesn't understand....not in an intellectual sense, but in a "why does this matter" sense....girls just seem to get why we need to vent and why trivial things need to be discussed... So, now I'm at the point where I'm not sure where to go....Do I wait for her to be "ready to deal with me"? or Do I find a new best friend that I can trust to share everything with....someone I can vent to and not be judged or asked why this is even important...Someone who understands....

Can't Catch a Break

So, my husband got home from work today and I did the normal thing and asked him how his day was....and he told me he had a good day until the end....he made an error at work and will probably be punished for it....he is already in their bad books and doing everything to try to make things better...to give you an example of how much they dislike him....he wrote the incorrect date on a piece of paper and he got a "day off"....he's very stressed out about this and things were just starting to get better....please pray